I Am Broken But I Don’t Need Help…
‘I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m OK
But that’s not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do
It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say (much to say)
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do, oh.’
This song kept playing in my head as it was the alarm of my consciousness to come back to the stark truth of reality. It was a reminder that the happy childish dreams that I used to think were going to be my life were no more my rock of stability. Life had become more unstable and I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do now.
Well, it was just the common thoughts that I usually have with this song. Plus it’s a Rascal Flatts song and also my favourite. Well, it became my favourite because that song told me the story of my life. What I thought it would be and what it turned out to be. Two different things I tell you. The one I was waiting for, the other I was not really aware of the chances of it happening.
But here I am, in a completely bland white room where the only furniture was a hard mattress bed and a pair of hand cuffs attached to it. And as much as I wanted to scream, hoping that people might one day understand that I want to escape this hell-hole, I some how manage to sit as calmly as possible. with a simple smile, just thinking of the merry times of my past.
And that was way before the tragedy of my supposed to be perfect life actually struck…
What tragedy you ask? Well, isn’t that a simple question to the answer you already have? Didn’t the song give it away? Well, I’ll tell it to you straight. That is if you already hadn’t caught the hint. The love of my life walked out on me. Exactly three years back from today. On the night of our wedding day.
I am such an idiot, right? I mean who the hell pines for a guy for such a long time. In fact I despised those types of idiots, not realising that one day that idiot would be me. Well, I did try to get him out of my mind, to forget that he even existed… But the more I tried to ignore it, the more I fell in love with a guy who refused to stay by my side.
I just couldn’t stop thinking about him. He was always in my mind. I wanted nothing more than to hold him in my arms. I missed the sweet musky scent that his skin emitted strongly. I missed the touch of his soft swollen lips that gave me sparks every time it came in contact with my lips and every inch of my skin. I missed his stupid habit of biting his lower lip when he was nervous to sticking out his tongue unknowingly when he was busy to driving his hand through his hair when he wanted to show off. I missed the fights and the make-up sex that were a million times better than the others we used to have. I missed the stupid games and dates that we had enjoyed together. I missed his six packs, his built up chest and his tanned skin which he loved showing off when he was shirtless especially while surfing. I missed the quivering and the fireworks and the sparks that used to happen whenever he was around me. In fact I began to miss him so much that I began seeing him every where and it really freaked me out.
I just missed him more and more. My fingers itched to feel his skin, to grasp his long brown hair and pull it, just for the pleasure of it. My lips only wanted to smash against his and my tongue wanted to explore his cave. My eyes kept a look out for the familiar face that I so badly wanted to see since he’s been gone. My body felt like it had gone out of control as it had been a long time since he has been around. Everything about me demanded for his presence. He was like the air I wanted to breathe. But since he was gone, I have been choking, searching for a way to survive.
You know we were college sweethearts. And we met on the first day of college. He was a year ahead of me. And we met at the orientation. It was weird at first, seeing that I was a shy nerd and he was a popular and a gentle men. He had helped me with my luggage to my room. Well, little did I know that I would be seeing more of him. We started talking and he soon asked me out on dates which were really super cute and since then we have been together. We had a really cute story and everyone thought we belonged together forever. And obviously, ‘just us two’ as we believed. As a dating couple, we stayed like that for eighteen years. Until he asked me to marry him.
I obviously said yes. He was the love my life and we both couldn’t live without each other. It was just meant to be. We were soul mates and belonged to each other. We were each other’s missing pieces and we completed each other.
Just as the wedding plans began so did the ‘what if’s?’ And there are two types of those, just like every other choice : – the good and the bad. But I only thought about the good, never the bad. What if we got married, went on our honeymoon and were soon gifted with a girl and a boy? Obviously the girl named Clarisse and the boy named Luke. What if we bought our own house and let our entire mini family live there, ‘just us two’ will become ‘just us four’? What if we had our own jobs and we left the kids with the nanny? And just like that the what if’s continued (I still think about it…). Little did I know what would happen next.
When I first heard the news of his disappearance, I was found in my room, on my bed which were filled with candles and rose petals, weeping in my white wedding gown and pulling my hair out as I screamed my lungs out, blaming God, asking him what had I done wrong to deserve something so bad. I also destroyed everything which was in my way. From pretty orchids to mirrors to the wedding cake. I couldn’t take anything in my mind. It just registered more and more tears and shock that I was left at such a point. My make up was all smudged, my dress was in tatters and my whole wedding was ruined, literally. All this on that day. The day when my fairy tale took a turn and became a nightmare that I never thought would exist. That was the fate of my dream wedding. Well, it was no point, without him.
Just in a few day, it went on to become a little more serious situation. I began doing drugs and my drinking soon became a bigger problem. Well, he was the only one who could curb it down to make it non-existent. And now all those efforts had been gone in vain. I did care and tried to stop. But my depression needed its fuel and what better way to satisfy it than by drinking. Helps with the problems for at least that point of life… But I was wrong… Soon even drinking didn’t help with the depression and had only became my addiction. And at that moment I even stopped caring. The love of life was gone. And I had nothing to do with my life.
My depression was becoming worse and all my friends began leaving me. Soon it was Loneliness who became my constant companion and that made my condition even worse. I do not know how am I even living without the support of the people I love. Apparently the feeling wasn’t really mutual. I only ended up assuming that it was only because of him, they pretended to care. When he turned his back, so did the others. And soon they no more existed for me. I was all alone and I was dying. No one could save me. I was a screwed case.
With time and no one around me, my life became empty, having no purpose. My depression was murdering me. There was no reason for me to live. My soul was as good as dead, having no other thoughts but him. My body was just a working machine and the only work it did was cry, sleep, drink, repeat. And I lost the point of value of my life. So I thought that maybe I can end my life, seeing that this body was of no use any way. It was just a waste of space and time. Maybe this was the best decision of my life. I would get to be with him then. Only difference was he was forced to go, I was doing it with the choice I had.
I tried whatever I could but my family always found a way to try stop my madness. I tried over dose of drugs and some how I landed in the hospital. I tried to make cuts on my body. For a moment there, it was a success. Until my parents found out. They sedated me and put me into the hospital to stitch up all the wide and deep cuts. I even resorted to black magic and it did work for a long time till my family found out that something weird is happening in the house and threw everything away. By this time, my family figured out my plan. So any way I tried to find a method of suicide, they already took care of baby proofing it. Yup, I was treated like a fragile child. The knives were blunt, the terrace door and the windows were locked. And even the medicines seemed to have run out of stock.
Couldn’t they understand what I was going through? It was horrible and painful and it was killing me. I couldn’t breathe and all I wanted was peace from my personal hell of torture. I was just finding a way to make it quick and painless. And maybe a way to rejoin my other half. It wasn’t fair that my family who I thought cared about me were making me go through a hell full of torture called life…
Because of these thoughts of death, it was darkness that I saw every where. I could only see Death hanging on every corner. And I was just eagerly waiting for it to pounce on me since I lost the power of the will to live. Plus it was time since I began seeing everything relating to him. ‘Oh, he loved that hot dog spot!’ ‘Oh, this was his favourite toy!’ and ‘Oh, he loved this dress of mine!’ And after my family went through enough of what I was going through, they had only one option in mind. The mental asylum.
That is how I ended up here. On this white bed complimented with metal cuffs.
Oh, wait! That wasn’t the complete story. I came here because I attacked his mother. Well, I couldn’t let her burn all of his things. It was the only childhood memories I had of his. He wasn’t completely gone yet. A part of him still lived. At least it did live. In me. That’s why I was the only one who could see him. The black hooded man that I used to see hanging on every corner had his face and he had his crazy grin on his face. I could never see his entire face but that grin assured me he was still around.
So when I saw his mother burning all his things, it agitated me. How could I let his things go? It probably will be his only attachment to Earth and I wasn’t willing to let that go. So I attacked her. Well, to be specific, I bit her and scratched her face. Her children called my family and they brought the people from the mental asylum and had me restrained. And then had me taken to the building where people who were facing mental problems.
It was funny. Even though I wasn’t mental yet I was put in here. That too all alone. ‘Why?’, you ask. Well, according to them, I am a little murderous which is insane. I mean I don’t bite… except for that one time. Plus what they didn’t realise was that they were just repeating the mistake. It was depression and loneliness that made my condition like this. And they were sticking to that method. What they don’t know is that it could make my condition much worse.
So I managed my stay here for two years and it was driving me crazy. The only company I had was my ghost fiancée and the only entertainment I had was the radio where every morning, sharp at 8, that song, my alarm used to play. And the only good part about the radio was that it was a loud speaker attached in my room, out of my reach. So I couldn’t even change stations. I hated that song at first. But then I realised that the meaning of that song reflected my life. And I snapped. Soon everything around me was driving me crazy. It was suffocating me and all I needed was a little fresh air. And thus I escaped.
I some how did. It was tough with the Watch and all, but I did manage. I ran and ran with all my life and ran till I passed out. I didn’t know where I had fallen but I do remember struggling to get up and walking. And I reached a park which had a lake in between. I didn’t care to stop. I just went on walking. I didn’t care about the lake and went straight into it as my feet took me.
I could feel it’s cold touch slowly inching upwards with each step but I didn’t care. At that moment, it was Death who was encouraging me to take those steps and I was slowly acknowledging the fact that Death was just near by, willing to make me one of it’s own. May be help me reunite with him.
And at that moment, I was pulled back from my dreams of being reality to the actual truth. I was back in that awful white room. And I figured what had happened. One of his friends must have seen me and notified a family member of mine. And then they dragged me back to the mental asylum which existed really far away from civilisation. At least now I understand why. And since then I have been waiting all alone for some sign to relieve me from the curse of a living being. And till now even prayers were not helping.
It’s actually kinda weird that I was put here for no reason. If people around me could’ve helped me handle the situation, then I don’t think this would have taken place at all. I am not mental, I say again. But for some reason, this is the place that has made everything worse for me. Obviously it has driven me insane. I don’t usually talk to myself like this. And now look at me, where I am…. It is such a pity that no one is going to know the true story after all.